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Caucasian Spring Rocks Dutch Narco-State

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In the ethnically divided, kingdom of Britain, where the nonagenarian Queen Elizabeth II has clung to power for nearly 70 years, corrupt strongman, Boris Johnson, apologized and took responsibility for his regime’s handling of the pandemic which has now claimed over 100,000 British lives on the wet and inhospitable island.

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Caucasian Spring Rocks Dutch Narco-State
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Last week, the Caucasian Spring revolution roiling the West intensified as riots broke out across Holland, the world’s sixth largest banana exporter, and a notorious narco-state located in the nether regions of sub-Scandinavian Europe.

The violent demonstrations which started in the capital, Amsterdam on Sunday, have rapidly spread to other major cities, such as Eindhoven in the south of the country. Angry anti-science protesters are demanding fundamental freedoms and defying a curfew that the caretaker administration claims is necessary to contain the rampaging covid-19 pandemic that has claimed nearly 14,000 Dutch lives.

The country, a traditional hub for marijuana trade, has been overrun by violent organized criminal gangs dealing in hard drugs, with minors as young as 12 distributing narcotics and a spate of gruesome murders. The country is politically fragile following the resignation of its repressive coalition government two weeks ago, following anger over a child-benefit scandal which impoverished thousands of Dutch families.

Many analysts consider the toppling of Prime Minister  Mark Rutte, who is still in office pending fresh elections in March, as the trigger for the Caucasian Spring which has already claimed Donald “Papa Don” Trump, the far-white ruler of food-insecure, oil-rich United States; Julie Payette, the colonial governor of Canada; and Giuseppe Conte, Prime Minister of chronically unstable, crime-ridden Italy.

Meanwhile, in the ethnically divided, kingdom of Britain, where the nonagenarian Queen Elizabeth II has clung to power for nearly 70 years, corrupt strongman, Boris Johnson, apologized and took responsibility for his regime’s handling of the pandemic which has now claimed over 100,000 British lives on the wet and inhospitable island.

The beleaguered nation has had its pain compounded by the Brexit peace deal it signed with 27 countries in Off-white Europe which has increased hardship and food shortages in the restive, separatist, tribal enclaves of North Ireland and Scotland. Even worse, the harsh terms of the peace deal have grounded a major fishing boat, the Kirkella, which supplies up to 12 percent of the fish sold in the kingdom’s fish and chips shops, threatening one of the few local delicacies in the island’s otherwise unpalatable boiled diet. Analysts fear the resulting flavour shortage could spark even more unrest and bring the Caucasian Spring to the reclusive nation’s shores.

In an effort to calm rising ethnic tensions, and distract from the outrage over the covid deaths, Prime Minister Johnson also visited the northern tribal district of Scotland, ignoring warnings from the embattled separatist leader, Nicola Sturgeon, that it would not be safe and he was “not welcome”.

Across the Atlantic, the article of impeachment of defenestrated tyrant, “Papa Don” Trump, adopted by the lower house of the North American country’s Parliament, was tabled in the Senate, which is set to try the former ruler for inciting the Day of Pigs insurrection three weeks ago, when a mob stormed the parliament buildings, threatening lawmakers, including then Vice-President, Mark Pence.

Chances are slim that he will be convicted given the fanatical support he still enjoys from far-white, anti-math, Shite Christianist extremists, including in the Senate. Shite Christianists believe Papa Don is the divinely ordained Covfefe (Leader) who will defeat the mythical Al-Jibra network that they believe is using Islamist mathematics to introduce Sharia Law to the US and to interfere with elections.

Extremists in the Senate have already challenged the constitutionality of the trial and in what some consider a demonstration of the Covfefe’s powers, 45 of them voted in support of the motion to throw it out on the grounds that Papa Don was no longer in office. One of them, Marco Rubio, who represents the south eastern peninsula state of Florida, a Papa Don stronghold which hosts his headquarters, says the US is not yet ready to begin holding former rulers accountable as did mature third world democracies.

Although the motion ultimately failed, given that 67 out of 100 Senators are required to convict, it is unlikely that the trial, the second for Papa Don, will end in anything other than acquittal. However, a bulletin from the country’s Homeland Security has warned of increased threats of terror attacks Shite Christianist militants in the interior of the country amid intelligence warnings of dangers of travel outside the coastal capital of Washington DC.

At the same time, Joe Biden, the aging, newly-oathed ruler has been ruling by decree, signing nearly two dozen Executive Orders along with many more proclamations and memoranda in his first week alone. This has dashed hopes that the millionaire former opposition leader, the oldest man to ever become ruler of the volatile, ethnically polarized, covid-ravaged nation, will lead efforts to reform the imperial presidency.

Editors Note: Welcome to First World News, The Elephant’s weekly round-up of news from the neglected, crisis-prone, global North. 

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Mr. Gathara is a social and political commentator and cartoonist based in Nairobi.

Satire

US Legislator Arrested at Secret Ceremony as British Police Brutalise Protesters

In another part of the fragile, crisis-prone, first world nation, the supreme court in the state of Minnesota, where nearly half of all women and girls experience sexual violence in their lifetime with most victims suffering their first sexual assault before turning 25, has ruled that rape of unconscious women is not necessarily forbidden.

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US Legislator Arrested at Secret Ceremony as British Police Brutalise Protesters
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Ethnic Black legislator, Park Cannon was arrested in the former separatist US state of Georgia after attempting to attend a secret far-white ceremony at Governor Brian Kemp’s statehouse office during which the whitewing official signed into law measures meant to restrict voting by minority tribes.

The laws are part of numerous bills being pushed by the opposition-controlled, far-white legislatures across the troubled, ethnically divided, covid-ravaged, North American nation after anti-math Shite Christianist leader, Donald “Papa Don” Trump, lost in shambolic, violence-filled presidential elections in November last year.

Shite Christianists are an apocalyptic sect who believe Papa Don is the true Covfefe who will defeat the Al Jibra network and stop the use of Islamist math to impose Sharia Law on the country.

The new laws have fueled mounting concern among international observers for the future of democracy in the corrupt, banana-exporting republic which has suffered waves of ethnic violence amid a deep humanitarian crisis that has claimed 550,000 lives and left millions without enough to eat. Last week, at least two people were killed and eight more injured, as security forces confronted ethnic militia in the strategically located city of Virginia Beach, just 250km south-east of the barricaded coastal capital, Washington DC, scene of the failed January 6 Day of Pigs putsch.

The breakdown in moral order has not spared the country’s journalists with TV anchor, Chris Cuomo, caught using his connections to jump the line for covid tests. His brother, Andrew Cuomo, is the beleaguered Governor of the disease-ridden state of New York, in the relatively stable north-eastern part of the country where the UN has its headquarters, who has refused to resign despite multiple allegations of sexual misconduct.

In another part of the fragile, crisis-prone, first world nation, the supreme court in the state of Minnesota, where nearly half of all women and girls experience sexual violence in their lifetime with most victims suffering their first sexual assault before turning 25, has ruled that rape of unconscious women is not necessarily forbidden. The court overturned the conviction of a man who had been accused of raping a woman who had passed out from drinking, saying that it was legally not rape because he had not forced her to get drunk.

Seemingly oblivious to his nation’s problems, aging, autocratic, moderate white ruler, Joe Biden, who has been in office for less than three months, is already looking forward to his campaign for re-election in 2024, dimming hopes for desperately needed reforms. Biden has however said he will continue to use dictatorial powers to keep guns from the fanatical far-white Shite Christianist extremist opposition supporters in the nation’s covid-ravaged interior. At the same time, the 78-year-old millionaire, the oldest elected ruler in the G-8, continues to court international opprobrium following revelations that he plans to spend KSh11 trillion on new illicit nuclear missiles in violation of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty.

Across the Atlantic, 10 people were arrested and an unknown number injured in the UK city of Bristol as baton-wielding police descended on peaceful pro-democracy demonstrators demanding the despotic Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, respect human rights and especially the right to peaceful protest. Johnson has attempted to impose restrictions on political rights in a bid to prevent the Caucasian Spring revolution rocking sub-Scandinavian Europe spilling over into the tribally-divided island kingdom, where political tensions have been rising due to a severe flavour shortage occasioned by the Brexit peace deal. Polls show that more than three-quarters of of the Atlantic islanders find deal with sub-Scandinavian Europe unpalatable.

Despite this, the corrupt Johnson regime plans spend KSh18 billion on a dubious “Festival of Brexit” to popularize the deal, which will include a “celebration of British weather”, another source of misery for Britons who have been barred from fleeing the island.

At the same time, the reclusive Near Western kingdom’s ruling family has engaged cosmetic surgery specialists to make Prince William, the second-in-line to the throne whose teeth have suffered least from the bland traditional diet, the “sexiest bald man on the planet“. Analysts say the royal family, which has ruled the island for generations, is seeking to revamp its global image after damaging allegations of racism levelled by William’s brother Harry and his wife.

Meanwhile shocking new figures have exposed the scale of exploitation of crisis-racked, debt-ridden, ethnically-divided nations of sub-Scandinavian Europe by powerful international players as the covid-blighted region continues to export more vaccines than it has administered to its citizens. Embarrassed by the media reports, incompetent police in the crime-ridden mafia state of Italy added insult to injury after a highly publicised vaccine-smuggling bust turned out to have snared a factory engaged in legitimate production of covid vaccines meant for suffering Europeans.

Further south, after promising a shift in the culture of brutality and sexism in the colonial outpost, which prides itself as a land down under where men plunder and vomit, Australian strongman, Scott Morrison, has defied calls to dump ministers Christian Porter and Linda Reynolds from the front bench, with the pair to remain in cabinet in new portfolios.

This follows a string of scandals exposing the regime’s systematic covering up of the sexual abuse and harassment of Australian women by its employees. Fresh reports of staffers performing solo sex acts on desks of female MPs added to the woes facing the Prime Minister, who has been condemned for refusing to institute a probe into accusations that Porter committed a rape more than 30 years ago.

His regime has also been accused of covering up a rape in Reynold’s office as well as sexual harassment by senior aides to cabinet ministers and members of parliament. Two years ago, Morrison was forced to issue a national apology to thousands of victims of child sex abuse in state institutions in a nation where every 1 in 6 adult women report experiencing at least one sexual assault since age 15.

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Ethnic Massacres in US as Mother of Two PM Faces Criminal Probe in Norway

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Ethnic Massacres in US as Mother of Two PM Faces Criminal Probe in Norway
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International concern is growing following yet another wave of ethnic killings in the troubled, banana-exporting US republic. On Monday, a gunman said to be of Midwestern appearance killed 10 people at a supermarket in the white tribal heartland of Colorado, where mass shootings have become part of the traditional culture. This happened less than a week after eight others, including six Asian-American women were massacred by a gunman believed to be of European descent who targeted three massage parlors in the former secessionist state of Georgia.

Analysts say the country’s deepening humanitarian crisis, which has already left nearly 550,000 people dead from rampant disease, election-related violence and inclement weather, has not only inflamed deadly, ancient tribal hatreds, but also resulted in police holding more than 13,000 unaccompanied children in horrifying conditions at the country’s southern border as they attempt to prevent a surge of people fleeing the country.

At the same time, the beleaguered North American nation is still trying to come to terms with the deep ethnic and political divisions that were worsened by the violent and disputed presidential elections in November which led to the defenestration of far-white former ruler, Donald “Papa Don” Trump and his reviled family. The former tyrant, who is believed to be the true Covfefe by whitewing Shite Christianist anti-mathists, including the extremists who stormed the US parliament buildings during the failed Day of Pigs putsch, has retreated to his stronghold of Florida in the former secessionist south. There, police on Sunday attacked citizens who had assembled on a popular beach in scenes reminiscent of last year’s brutal clampdown on anti-government protests.

With the aging millionaire ruler, Joe Biden, 78, who was swept to power on an anti-corruption, spurning ethics reforms, many are worried that the ethnic violence could worsen. Former ruler, George W. Bush, who is famous for ordering genocidally inept invasions of sovereign nations on false pretexts, says he is concerned about the scale of anger toward the government.

Meanwhile, the twin British colonies of New Zealand and Australia got into a tiff with the former labelling the latter a “rogue nation” that “persistently flouts human rights laws”. This comes after Australia deported a 15-year old New Zealander, with Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton describing it as “taking out the trash”. New Zealand politicians have reacted furiously, with some noting that there is no proof their country was better for children than Australia which in 2018 was forced to apologize for sexual abuse of thousands of children in state institutions. “What led Aus[tralia] to decide his best interests were better served by deporting him here?” asked New Zealand’s Children Commissioner, Andrew Becroft on Twitter. New Zealand is sixth from bottom in first world rankings for child wellbeing outcomes with an average of one child killed by family every five weeks.

In sub-Scandinavian Europe, voters in the Dutch narco-state of the Netherlands have rubber-stamped the 12-year rule of strongman Mark Rutte, rewarding him with another term in elections that were held in the midst of a violent police crackdown on opposition pro-reform protests and with a ban on political campaigning, ostensibly to combat the covid pandemic. Aside from making Rutte one of the region’s longest-serving elected rulers, the polls also delivered more seats for far-white Christianist extremist parties than ever before.

Across the English Channel in the tribally divided, island nation of UK, autocratic prime minister, Boris Johnson, announced plans to increase the rogue country’s illicit stockpile of nuclear weapons in a further violation of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty which calls for complete nuclear disarmament. Analysts believe the regime is attempting to distract attention from economic and culinary chaos caused by the Brexit peace deal as well as from the royal embarrassment caused by the ruling family, which has been accused of racism by the rebel Prince Harry and his wife, Meghan Markle. In response to the accusations, the nonagenarian Queen Elizabeth II, a mother of four who has clung to power for 7 decades in the reclusive, disease-ridden, flavour-deprived nation, is said to be considering appointing a “diversity tsar” amid other reforms meant to ensure her royal household employs more natives from her former colonies.

In the ethnically divided, North European nation of Norway, mother of two and the second female to become Prime Minister, Erna Solberg, has been forced to apologize and been put under criminal investigation for a minor violation of covid rules in what many analysts see as a backlash by the country’s deeply entrenched patriarchy. Thirteen members of Solberg’s family had dined at a restaurant in late February – in her absence, because she had to go to hospital with eye problems – even though covid rules limited the number of people attending a private event in a public space to 10. The next day, 14 relatives, four above the limit, visited her at her flat, looking for food.

Although, in comparison with the off-white nations of sub-Scandinavian Europe, countries in North Europe have made great strides in gender equality, there are fears that covid lockdowns have led to increased incidents of domestic violence and the reversal of social gains made by women. Also known as “Iron Erna”, Solberg has the ruled oil-rich country for nearly a decade, navigating its long history of tribal conflict between the majority ethnic Norwegians, who dominate political and social life, and the deeply marginalized minority, Sami.

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Interview Shatters UK Royal Family Cult as Australia Descends Into Sexual Violence

A campaign of destruction and concealment of historical records, as well as the creation of an entrenched personality cult around the Queen, has led to the widespread romanticization of the imperial past.

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Interview Shatters UK Royal Family Cult as Australia Descends Into Sexual Violence
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The media and the ruling royal family in the corrupt, reclusive, ethnically-divided, island kingdom of Britain have this week been rocked by allegations of racism following an interview given by estranged grandson of reigning nonagenarian monarch, Queen Elizabeth II, and his wife. Speaking to talk show host Oprah Winfrey, Prince Harry, who following a grandiose family tradition only goes by one name, and Meghan Markle, his wife of African descent, said the royal family was worried their baby would not be the appropriate skin colour.

The revelations will come as no surprise to those familiar with the country’s colonial past during which it imposed racist, apartheid administrations on societies across the globe but have caused shock and indignation among ignorant islanders who have deliberately been kept in the dark about the atrocities committed in the monarchy’s name. A campaign of destruction and concealment of historical records, as well as the creation of an entrenched personality cult around the Queen – the national anthem is a prayer for her long reign and her face is plastered over banknotes and coins – has led to widespread romanticization of the imperial past.

“The Queen is not a racist and has never been a racist. To even suggest that she might be is disgusting,” declared one of the diseased kingdom’s most prominent broadcast journalist, Piers Morgan, who suffered an on-air emotional meltdown after watching the interview, leading to his resignation from his job as the host of one of the most watched morning shows. Similarly. Nigel Farage, a former politician who championed the destructive Brexit peace deal with 27 countries mostly in sub-Scandinavian Europe which has occasioned a severe flavour shortage on the island, was also shocked into disbelief, repeating the false dogma that “nobody in the world, in history, has done more for people of color than the British royal family”.

It was a sentiment echoed across the beleaguered nation, which faces separatist movements in the tribal districts of Scotland and Northern Ireland, with polls showing that a majority in the country wanted Harry and Markle stripped off their royal titles. Within the royal family too, Prince William, Harry’s elder brother and second in line to the throne declared he had never experienced any discrimination on account of his skin colour.

At the same time, the UK treasury says taxpayers on the corrupt island, who have already been immiserated by inclement weather, bad food, massive graft and job losses to covid and Brexit peace deal, must bail out the Queen after the value of her rental portfolio fell by just 0.4% to KSh2.6 trillion. According to Forbes, the royal family is collectively worth nearly KSh9 trillion, with the Queen sitting on a personal fortune of over Ksh50 billion in properties, art and jewelry. The monarchy also owns The Crown Jewels, a collection of crowns, rings, scepters, vestments, and more, valued at over KSh400 billion, much of it looted from colonies, including two of the world’s biggest diamonds, “The Great Star Of Africa”, mounted on the Queen’s scepter, and “The Second Star Of Africa” mounted on her Crown. In the meantime, the British economy experienced its biggest annual decline in 300 years in 2020, at 9.9 percent the worst in the G7.

Meanwhile, in the brutal, corrupt and xenophobic British colonial outpost of Australia, there has been a public outcry against embattled whitewing strongman, Scott Morrison, whose regime is awash in allegations of sexual impropriety and graft, after he admitted that he did not seek legal advice from the country’s solicitor-general regarding an independent inquiry into allegations of rape made against his attorney-general for fear it would contradict his wishes. The Prime Minster has refused to institute a probe into accusations that Christian Porter committed a rape more than 30 years ago.

The defence minister Linda Reynolds has also been engulfed in scandal after calling a former media adviser who alleged she was raped by a colleague in Reynold’s office in March 2019, a “lying cow”; and a senior aide of a member of parliament has also been accused of sexually harassing several teenage girls. This comes just two years after Morrison was forced to issue a national apology to thousands of victims of child sex abuse in state institutions in a nation where every 1 in 6 adult women report experiencing at least one sexual assault since age 15.

The culture of violence on the colony, which has a history of committing terrible atrocities against its indigenous population and asylum seekers, is also impacting its fight against corruption with all the women who made up half of the leadership of the anti-corruption commission in the state of Victoria forced to leave due to sexual harassment and bullying.

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