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Reflections

Red Earth: The Killing of Carilton David Maina

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Red Earth
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Red earth is blood, Red earth is life, Red earth is what takes and keeps safe the lives we lose.

Friday the 21st of December 2018, around four in the afternoon, mother and son sit for lunch at their house in Soweto Phase 3 estate, Kibera. The meal does not have much of a conversation and both of them proceed to their own activities soon after. The son is just days away from clocking another year in his life. When the new year comes he will be turning twenty-three, and he’s going to spoil his family, he’ll throw a birthday celebration party. The young man leaves, but calls his mum a few moments later about some money meant for the party which he wanted to send by phone; his mum says she wanted to receive it personally from him since there were still issues they needed to discuss. They could not meet at that time, the son must have been busy in his movie shop or doing something involving football. He loves football, and this love for football, at least according to the mum’s memory wasn’t always there, she had never thought of his little ‘softie’ boy as a sportsman until his late teenage years when he started playing football. At one point she remembers him coming home with application papers for Gor Mahia FC’s under 21 team. Now he’s a goalkeeper for his university football team in the UK, and for the last three months Jinamori FC at Kenyatta. It only made sense to let him be till the next day, after all, isn’t tomorrow another day?

The young man joins his mates in a video hall for football, it’s Liverpool against Wolves. He is not a red, neither a wolf, he’s an Arsenal fan, a gunner. So what brings him here? Allison Becker of Liverpool, the best goalkeeper in the world. He has watched every throw, every catch, every move. He wants to be just like Becker.

***

On Thursday the 27th of December, I see a post on Facebook about a student shot and killed in Kibera by police. The video shows a group of protesters walking along Mbagathi Way, Ngong’ Road and a section of Kenyatta Avenue. At the front of the procession is a banner with a familiar face. The protesters are almost at GPO roundabout when police teargas the crowd, forcing each of them to scatter in different directions.

As I share the story, I’m sitting on a wall that would have separated Nairobi dam and Highrise estate if it were complete. A few metres away behind me is a small settlement along the complete section of the wall, I am tempted to walk this line that traces the start of a place I do not want to be associated with, a place I do not like mentioning in conversations, a place I’m careful not to be seen at, lest I be mistaken to come from there. I cannot set foot in this place unless it’s a job project that requires interaction with the population here, this is a place I won’t think about on terms other than projects and humanitarian benevolence, giving back to society which I’m unable to do till I become rich, only then will I be able to walk the path of a poor person and still remain removed from the poverty. I figure it won’t be that bad going round the slum side of the wall, I have earphones, at least the music will remind me I do not come from this place.

That same Thursday night, the 9 o’clock news shows the full story. It’s the same one I’ve been sharing online, but with some new information. The shooting happened in Soweto Phase Three estate, and the house where the young man lived is just four doors away from where I used to live. Now the jigsaw ends are fitting themselves together, I know that house with the green walls and a black door.

***

I was once accused of having a bad ear for music, and whoever lived in that green-walled, black-doored house had a bad ear too, Indie and Alternative rock would be playing whenever they were in. I wanted to know who this person was, that played the same music I did.

One Sunday morning I find someone washing their shoes just outside the house. He has looks apprehensive as I approach, but breaks into a smile after hearing what I have to say. “I love the music you play,” I tell him. The few times we met after that there was always a fist bump, at least a nod of acknowledgement, to remind ourselves that although we do not know each other well, we both recognize our existence, and bad ears for music.

My new friend and I would become separated the time I moved out of the estate. The last time I meet him was at a neighbour’s shop. He had tried to catch my attention a few times before I recognised him. This time an attempt at knowing each other was made.

“Bulimu?”

“Yes, Bulimu.”

“Carlson, Carlton?”

“No, Carilton.” he corrects, and smiles as he steps aside.

We would probably have been good friends or might have just remained acquaintances. But all that was all that was. We will never know.

***

Later on that Friday night, the young man and a few other football fans are headed home, they have just finished watching the game that ended two goals to none in favour of Liverpool. The young man must have been impressed by his hero Becker, he must have picked up a few tricks he will test on his next game. A policeman they know passes them.

The gate to Soweto Phase 3 is only a few metres ahead. The police officer they had met earlier now appears with a colleague and commands everyone to lie down. They all do as asked. A shot, maybe two, is fired and everyone scatters, who doesn’t know what bullets do? The young man is on his heels too, running towards the gate, he must be promising himself to never again walk at this time of the night, to always run whenever he sees a cop. Perhaps the only thing on his mind might have just been how to get home. Whatever his thoughts were, a pain in his leg tells him that he has been hit, but he’s lucky the bullet didn’t touch any vital organ.

He is now hiding in one of the stalls next to the gate. The beasts find their prey by the smell of blood, his isn’t much, but this is not enough protection. He needs to keep his breathing down, the beasts also find their prey by fear, they feel it from your beating heart.

One of the ways to get rid of fear, almost any other feeling too, is removing yourself from the current situation and going somewhere far away, the young man must have travelled to his past. To his childhood.

He might have been thinking of when he got transferred to Archbishop Gitari boarding school from Mbagathi Primary at Class Four, when he got admitted to Maseno School after scoring 419 in KCPE. Not bad for a kid from Kibera. He must have loved the rocks of Bunyore, he might have had trouble with the monkeys in his school, he must have felt good winning the East Africa Essay Writing competition in high school, he must have worked hard for his 84 points in KCSE. When he got the scholarship with the Northern Consortium of United Kingdom Universities at Brookhouse, he must have remembered how close he came to studying actuarial science at the University of Nairobi. And when he joined Leeds University for Engineering and Electronic Communication, he must have made a promise to make himself great, for his people, for his home.

A man in government uniform wielding an assault rifle looks into the eyes of the young man struggling to stand still because of a wound in his leg. He sees the fear, the beast is excited at this; he feels his blood rush in his veins.

The young man’s head is rushing with ideas of the things he has heard before about the beasts and people like him at this time of the night, sometimes in the day, the things he’s heard about corners, about people forced to kneel and lie down.

“You know me, hata ukiulizia watu huku, they know me; they know I’m not a thief. Why are you doing this to me? Why?!” Neighbours hear a desperate voice pleading. But the sky cracks open and a rain of bullets follows.
The young man is now lying on the ground, three holes in his chest, a scratch tells of how he missed the bullet to his head.

***

Our vehicle leaves the station two hours late from my intended travel time, most of the first hour was spent walking down River road in search of matatu shuttles to Murang’a. As we pass by Thika town I cannot help but notice the earth. Red clean earth, and the trees. These two things that make the wind outside whisper the word V-I-L-L-A-G-E through the half open window into my left ear, my right ear is searching for a hint of Kangema in the Gikuyu conversation the driver is having with my seatmate, though I’m quite sure this is the right vehicle. It’s my first journey to this side of the country, destination, somewhere around Kangema High School in Kangema, Murang’a county. I took only two people’s contacts in the vigil on the previous night, both of their phones are busy, and now my arrival is pegged on three things. The directions “Upande magari za kuenda Kangema, ukifika town panda boda hadi Kangema High alafu ulizia kwenye matanga iko,” the ability of a random villager to know where the funeral is and my own instincts, after a crosscheck with the driver at every town centre we pass. The wind still whispering words into my left ear…

T-H-E V-I-L-L-A-G-E N-E-V-E-R F-O-R-G-E-T-S

One of my contacts finally picks up after missing three calls. We have just got to Kangema, but he tells me the burial is over and advises me to return to Nairobi because there really was nothing left for me to do there. Sure, there was nothing left to do, but there was a lot left to see.

I take a motorcycle taxi to the home I was told to ask for. We find a few people around who lead me to the gravesite. On that slopy land lies a mound of red earth, red clean earth, with a crown of red roses on top and a wooden cross in front.

CARILTON DAVID MAINA

BORN: 1ST JANUARY 1996

DIED: 22ND DECEMBER 2018

What was left to see was already seen, and indeed there was nothing left to do, only one more thing needed to be done. I dig my hand into the earth on the side and let the red earth slip through to the mound…

Red earth is blood, red earth is life, red earth is what takes and keeps safe the lives we lose.

…I buried him too. And I talked to him, through the red earth, and he spoke back to me. He said he was safe here now, he asked me to look around, he asked me to visit his mother and see how much work he still had to do, he said the city may forget but the village never forgets. I remember my lips fashioned to these words but a different voice spoke, it was his voice, Maina’s voice. Not just his voice but thousands of other voices forced into silence, they spoke.

***

The young man’s name is Carilton David Maina, and ever since his killing he has never stopped dying. The mother’s pain will never end. Mama Maina is a heartbroken woman. Her life was changed abruptly by the loss of her son, and what hurts her the most is the taking. It was not an act of God, it was never the course of nature, what it was can only be described as a deliberate act of violence against the young man who is her son, and she grieves every single day as different reports emerge about how her son’s life was taken.

Kilimani OCPD Michael Muchiri publicly stated that they could not investigate a case against one of their own, after apologizing for the death of Maina. This was in a forum organized by Amnesty Kenya to try and reconcile the community with the police who are here seen to be reaching out to the people they have hurt. This here is what Paulo Freire describes as false generosity, injustice followed by generosity, and this false generosity in turn facilitates the perpetuation of injustice by the oppressor. The police themselves are an oppressed lot, treated like dogs in their canteen kennels, forced to play fetch to fifty shilling notes on roadsides. And so to restore their human status they prey on the most vulnerable. Looting, maiming and taking innocent lives, the brutes find power in the oppression of another oppressed, since they can’t vent their frustrations and insecurities on the superiors they turn to a group they perceive inferior to them. The policeman who killed Mama Maina’s son knew him, a beast drunk in the power of a rifle.

The police are instruments used by the state to repress the people, in the times before independence they were African collaborators helping the coloniser conquer fellow Africans. Any attempt at resisting, questioning or asserting your freedom would earn you the title terrorist. More than half a century after independence the police still operate on the same colonial principles, they are still working for a black-skin-masked white man. “We do not negotiate with terrorists,” sounds familiar? The police said Maina was ‘a suspect’, “part of a gang that had been terrorizing residents.”

I hear someone saying, “But not all police are bad.” My response to this is: not every young man from the ghetto is a criminal.

We’re living in an unequal society, and our privileges may lead us into thinking of this as the natural order of things, that the poor are poor because they are lazy or that’s just the way things are, and the rich are so because they worked hard and have been blessed by God. Maina worked hard, he read his books well and was recognised for it, he achieved honours most rich people genuinely haven’t, the young man did a TED talk! The young man dreamed and was making his dreams a reality, but he wasn’t allowed to live.

My walk through the settlement behind the complete wall revived my consciousness of one thing, privilege. The fact that I could slide in and take a tour freely in the ghetto without an agenda when not everyone from the ghetto could do the same where I live showed relatively just how much of choosing I could do. I could opt out whenever I wanted to. Privilege is what makes us unfamiliar with places like these, situations like these where most would say “Couldn’t he just have avoided the night, couldn’t he just have avoided talking to some people?” Privilege is what denies us knowledge of the people we meet, privilege is comfort, we do not lack, we do not require help so we do not need to know anyone. Privilege is failing in empathy. And privilege puts us at the same level as the oppressor because every form of violence against those we do not know goes unnoticed. This specific violence is against young men and families living in neighbourhoods no one wants to go to.

Kalundi Serumaga describes poverty as the worst form of violence and at its worst, is a form of slow genocide. There is a genocide going on in the ghetto, the victims young men just starting out in life. The Herods of our times have been hearing rumours about these young men, who are showing signs of a bright future, these young men with brains they would never match in their lifetimes, these young men who threaten to save their people from poverty. The Herods affect their hysteria on their loyal servants who themselves have an already existing inferiority complex, who want no one to rise above them, and they have a special dislike for smart people. Hence when the Herods of Nairobi commend and gift them for killing youth in Dandora and Mathare, they look for that kid who thinks they’re smart in Kibera, eliminate him with the statement “he was part of a gang terrorising residents.” The beasts ended his life to ensure that family stays in the ghetto. And they do it every day, every single week they kill a dream and no one cares, no one remembers, except the earth, the red earth that takes and keeps the lives we lose. And the village, the village they return to in boxes never forgets.

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Bulimu Chole is a poet and a fiction writer

Reflections

Depression Is an Illness of the Soul, and My Faith Failed Me

When we grow up in a religious nation, a huge part of our identity rests on religion/faith/God, whatever you wish to call it. When this is shaken, the centre cannot hold, and we crumble.

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Depression Is an Illness of the Soul, and My Faith Failed Me
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In 2014, a friend confessed that he had been battling depression and had been on anti-depressants for a number of years. This friend is one of the most brilliant minds I have ever met, he seems to have it all together, and is admired by many. This confession took me by surprise because I never could have imagined that someone like him would be struggling with depression. I voiced my doubts to him; I told him he seemed okay, he didn’t look like it, was he sure? My naivety on the subject was clear. But that confession did for me was life changing, and took me on my own journey to face my own demons.

What I knew about depression was that people who suffered from it were sad all the time. That’s it. However, since that conversation, my understanding has changed dramatically, especially suicidal depression. Looking back at my life in the months prior to that conversation, and as I read and educated myself on mental health, I concluded that if there is a spectrum on depression, then I am somewhere on it – despite my quick reassurances to my friend that day. I have days when I am overwhelmed with life, I question my existence and can’t find a good enough reason for it. It leaves me with a profound emptiness, which I do not know what to do with but sit with it, cover myself with and stew in it.

They say depression is a mental illness, but I think it is more than that. It is an illness of the soul. The soul as defined by Wikipedia is the “incorporeal essence of a living being. It is the mental ability of a living being: reason, character, feeling, consciousness, memory, perception, thinking, etc.” ‘Incorporeal’ means without a physical body, presence or form. Therefore, it makes sense to me that it is a sort of malfunction of the soul.

I have heard numerous psychologists rightfully say that some symptoms of depression include not enjoying the activities one used to, social isolation, and difficulty getting out of bed. On that last point, it is not the usual oh-my-god-its-Monday-I-can’t-get-up, rather it is that you literally and inexplicably cannot get out of bed. The thing about sleep in this case, like many of life’s vices including alcohol and drugs, is that for a moment you forget everything and do not exist. Getting out of bed means facing yourself in this mess, and it is too much.

On some days, the mess falls to the background, and there you are – smiling, getting work done, having a social life, being productive. However, the mess still clings to you, it never leaves, hence the yo-yo effect of: today I’m fine, next week I’m back in the thick of it. Sometimes this cycle is weeks or months long. And no, talking to someone does not seem to help. You don’t even want to talk to anyone, even a good friend. I lost a great friendship during one of these periods because I couldn’t bring myself to pick up phone calls as I felt I couldn’t do it.

As a nation that is religious, or spiritual if you will, depression can be closely linked with God. Let me explain. Like most Kenyans, I have grown up going to church. I grew up Catholic and even served at the altar. Every Sunday, my mother would wake us up, scolding us when we were not moving fast enough to make it for the 9am service. The struggle to get up and get ready to go to church, with all the rushing and scolding, always felt like a punishment.

If you are Catholic, then you know how ceremonial the mass is. Because everything is structured so tightly and unfolds in the same way every time, after attending for years you can be present in the body but be totally checked out mentally during mass. So because I knew the flow, I had gotten used to zoning out after the second reading when it was time for the priest to deliver the sermon. Around me were people dozing off, so I thought zoning out was better than blatantly sleeping in church. Besides, what if my mom’s friends from Jumuia saw me and told her?!

In any case, we sang, “Jesus Loves Me” long before we could comprehend what that love looks like. We were taught to pray and love God more as an obligation than because we meant it. We were taught to profess our love to God – more than actually understand it. Why should we love Him? Because he made us, His son died on the cross for our sins, because we hope to go to Heaven when life on earth ends. Doesn’t the Bible teach us to instruct our children in the way of the Lord and they will never depart from it? So, we grew up believing all of this before we had time to question any of it. We are told that as children of God, we are special and are here for a purpose.

It reached a point when I could no longer carry on with all of this simply out of obligation. In 2015, I started questioning this whole notion of a God-given purpose after going through a year of overwhelming hopelessness. I wanted to know for myself who God was, if He exists, if he loved me, what He wants from me and so on. I was really going out of my mind at this point because I was having an identity crisis. Relying on the idea of God loving me because the Bible says so wasn’t enough. I needed to know for myself, and I didn’t. The reason this is important is because when we grow up in a religious nation, a huge part of our identity rests on religion/faith/God, whatever you wish to call it. When this is shaken, the centre cannot hold, and we crumble.

I didn’t know just how huge a part of my identity God was until I was shaken and felt I had lost myself. The death in my life came from a loss of faith. It was time to get out of the childish way of obligatory faith, and really believe as a choice. But the truth is, I couldn’t find my footing. Feeling worthless, I began seeking out answers to my existence. I’m sure to those around me, I looked fine and had accomplished a lot, but inside I was stuck. My whole life felt like a lie the moment I wondered what my purpose in life was. Answers on the mystery of God, on how we should not question His ways were no longer good enough. It is like when someone dies, and people quickly say that His will is being done. Such answers didn’t cut it for me any more. I wondered, was I an agnostic, a nihilist? Are all depression sufferers just pessimists? It was the beginning of an identity breakdown that has brought me to my knees and left me there. I don’t know who I am, and the personality and character attributes ascribed to me by others feel foreign.

What I know is that on some days, it is like I am trapped in limbo, neither alive nor dead. I wonder why I am wrapped in this mess, never moving forward or backwards. It is like you are sitting on the edge of a cliff and you can’t jump off nor retreat to safety. This is what depression looks like to and for me. The anti-depressants you might be prescribed ensure you keep retreating to safety while suicidal ideation ensures you take that leap.

When I think about people I know or I know about who have died by suicide, including Millie Kithinji, Stephen Mumbo, Robin Williams, Anthony Bourdain, Kate Spade, Avicii, several students in Kenyan universities… I am certain of one thing. Prior to their deaths, they were on this cliff, like so many of us are. Questioning their existence, even those who seemed to have it all – money, fame, love, power. Even with all this, they must have asked: who am I? They must have felt guilty and ashamed at the same time.

I know it sounds selfish especially to those of us struggling financially. You wonder, this person “had it all” and still ended their life. And so, people call them sinners and criminals for ending their lives, and we reach for the refrain we have always been told since childhood – that life is precious and a gift from God, even when we don’t feel it and when our cruel society shows us our lives don’t matter, especially if you are not rich and not politically connected.

Take Millie Kithinji, who died by suicide this March. This wasn’t a spur of the moment decision for her – for a long time, since around 2017, she had been begging God for strength and grace to carry on through the trials she was facing, going by her Facebook posts. She was unemployed with a young daughter, the father of her child had abandoned her, and she was struggling to make ends meet.

The spiral was slow but steady. We don’t know what else was shaking her identity, to the point where she wondered what she was doing alive instead of dead. Who knows how many times she came close to ending her life, but perhaps the thought of her daughter kept her going, until this last time. Ultimately, ending the pain took the upper hand to holding on for the sake of love.

Another recent case was Stephen Mumbo, who was a star employee at audit firm Price Waterhouse Coopers (PwC). He was intelligent, a family man and a committed employee, he was put together and had everything going for him. The death of his mother shook him, and perhaps other things we don’t know. Piecing his last moments alive reveals a trail of work-related stress and a man who was broken long before he fell to his death.

Those like Millie and Stephen were on the cliff, hurting, feeling the burden of their mess and how all the love from their families did not count in that moment before they jumped off the cliff. “They will be better off without me,” they must have thought.

When you are on the cliff, you sit there until jumping is the only viable option to end the pain. It is the only option because you have retreated to safety many times (perhaps from friends who checked up on you, or the thought of loved ones) yet here you are back at the cliff, and the pain is too much. Yes, suicide is a choice. It is the only choice in that moment, and if you have ever come close to jumping, then you understand. Granted, I still don’t have answers, I can only describe what my depression looks like in hopes that someone out there might see themselves through this. You don’t have to know my name, gender, age, or educational status to resonate with me. Because the truth is that a lot of things will bring you and your mess to the edge of the cliff. Mine is my identity crisis. What you can bear might be too much for another person. What has brought me here is a mess perhaps easily cleaned up by somebody else. What will bring you here is a mess that I could easily discard. What is your mess? Are you sitting on the edge of the cliff too?

If you or someone you know is experiencing depression or suicidal thoughts, or if you want to know more, reach out to Befrienders Kenya on +254 722 178 177, or the Meshack Samson Foundation, at +254 715 713 212. You can also find these organisations on Facebook.

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Reflections

Land, Dance and Finding a Way Through This Painful Life Together

Trusting one’s body, and one’s experience of the world is not celebrated or even tolerated in the formal education forced on Africa through missionary and colonial education. School and religion alienated me and us from ourselves, and from the Earth.

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Land, Dance and Finding a Way Through This Painful Life Together
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For British colonisers, the lands that now form Kenya were a space that needed to be traversed on the way to the ‘Pearl of Africa’, Uganda.

The Pearl of Africa was a place where kingdoms, a form of governance recognisable to colonisers from a kingdom country, existed. It was the place where the long-sought source of the Nile was found, and with it the assurance of outwitting challengers to the control of Sudan and Egypt. In Uganda, on top of the cotton varieties they found, the British saw potential for commercial cotton production. A place rolling with greenery, lots of rain, lakes and rivers, teeming with flora and fauna. Winston Churchill visiting in 1807 recommended that Britain should “concentrate on Uganda” whose people, climate, scenery and vegetation were “different to anything else in Africa”, and his statement reaffirmed the title of Pearl that had been given to Uganda earlier by other colonial scouts, Speke and Stanley.

However, to get to the Pearl there was the problem of a strip of coastal lands controlled by the Sultan of Zanzibar (and having had numerous other controllers in centuries prior), and the vast lands and peoples in between the coast and the prized kingdoms. No such fancy names as Pearl were reserved for what was to become Kenya and Kenyans. We were in the way. When the Uganda Railway (note the name), proved expensive, the lands and people that now form Kenya were dispossessed of their inherent value and of themselves, made objects, and turned to profit-making to enable this venture.

This was unseeing violence. Disembedding violence. Dispossessing violence. Appropriative violence. Thingifying violence. It must do something to you to know that you are only a throughway to a thing, body or place more desired. Your value only tied to enabling arrival elsewhere.

The first violence remade land into an inert source of potential capital to be realised through exploitation by a colonial State, and now by a post-independent and still colonial State. Life was rethought dead, chopped up and offered at a cheap price to profit settlers, who were producing value, to enable the journey to the Pearl. It was violence peoples’ bodies, being-ways, knowledge-ways, economies, cultures, and psychologies, on their embodied and unembodied earth relations, and on the interrelationships amongst them.

The dispossession and appropriation that birthed the Kenyan State in the late 1800s, did not end with flag independence in 1963, but was reinforced, frozen, made ‘State-ic’.

Peter Ekeh helps me understand how. In a theory of two publics which I think of as the two Africas, the psychological disruption of Africans who participated in the colonial system caused an unsettlement. To regain equilibrium, these unsettled Africans attempted settlement by being better at being the coloniser than the colonisers were. They regained a kind of psychological balance by being better at performing violence than those who first performed violence on our spirits, human, Earth and ancestral.

This goes on even today. Newspaper headlines regularly detail the numerous ways in which lands and bodies turned into things are appropriated and made disposable for the benefit of the few in State. It happens so frequently and so efficiently that we are numb, frozen, as we watch and hear play-by-play accounts of who can violate us more, like commentary in a football match.

***

Slowing down enough to feel the pain

Violence hurts. Violence injures. One common response to violence is to brace oneself and keep moving. After all no use in crying over spilt milk, right? And there is so much more that needs doing, who has the time to feel? Not feeling is a powerful protection against potential future vulnerability and violence, and there are times we need this survival. But this does not, cannot, go on forever.

In my psychology study and practice I have come to learn that trauma which doesn’t get processed gets stuck and continues to replay until we acknowledge it and move it through our bodies and psyches. Slowing down enough to feel and witness the pain of the historic and present day violences on our spirits is far from indulgence. Rather it is what enables me, and us, to be resilient and to retain my humanity, pushing back against the actions and forces that would have me be an object with no inherent value. Here is an example:

It is August 2018. I am at a protest and memorial for the 34 humans slain during the Marikana Strike in 2012. This protest is happening outside the South African High Commission in London. Speeches are made, we sing and hold signs. A tall thin man, briefcase in hand, walks past us briskly. After he goes some distance, he turns and shouts, “You already got your independence, fuck off!” I laughed at his receding back.

What I didn’t say was “ouch.” Later that evening I am in a group workshop on racism and colonialism. We are doing some role play, and one man is taking the role of a coloniser. He says this, acknowledging a truth he didn’t even realise, “We took what we wanted, and we left what we didn’t want.”

A dam breaks and I weep. Slowed down, I can breathe my pain – the same one I couldn’t when the brisk walker shouted. In that moment I have the space to create a relationship to my own hurt and pain at the violence we and I have been through and continue to go through. Through the tears a song comes – the same one I had led at the protest: Senzeni na. What have we done? A comrade sings with me.

Even while it is not always easy or comfortable, I have learnt that I need to go through my pain to pick up my power, lest I harden, and also become a perpetrator of appropriative violence, seeking to outdo the one who was first violent towards me.

Seeing with new eyes

When a people are mired in the unseeing dynamics of dispossessing violence, we begin to believe that there is nothing to see in ourselves, our places, our histories after all. So I have to remind myself of all that was unseen, in order to reclaim our value.

British colonisers unsaw us and all who we are. I mean us in the full sense of community: human spirits, embodied and unembodied earth spirits (plants, animals, ancestors, and more). They unsaw the remarkable irrigation systems of the Cheranganis, the wonder of setting life to the rhythm of bee migrations, the beauty of decentralised cohesiveness in various governance systems, the science of making rains, the studied play of producing life from an equally dancing set of ecologies as pastoralists do, the connective rituals with which we ensured cycles of life, incorporating the past, present and future, and so much more.

It doesn’t help that for the majority, our upbringing doesn’t tell us of these lives and lifeways either. I recall my high school geography class for instance, which focused on how we can do more unseeing in the style of those that first unsaw us. “Tropical indigenous forests are uneconomical because they grow in mixed stand [i.e. haphazardly, going by that worldview]. Planted coniferous forest is more efficient as it enables mechanised harvest.” This is true, if your goal is to take without reciprocity. And there is no need for reciprocity where the other is a thing without value. The goal of the coloniser was to take, and to enable arrival and capture of the Pearl without putting back.

I set different goals – reciprocity, rebuilding and reconnecting relationships.

We are not the dregs of humanity. We are not what is not wanted. I am not what is not wanted. I see my self, our selves. I want to always sink deep into the knowledge that I have value. We have value.

Re-membering land as living entity

Trusting one’s body, and one’s experience of the world is not celebrated or even tolerated in the formal education forced on Africa through missionary and colonial education. School and religion alienated me and us from ourselves, and from the Earth. I, and we, learnt to trust only in our teachers and in the state-approved textbooks for knowledge.

In trying to reconnect broken relationships I am constantly re-evaluating my relationship with land and with those with whom I share this Earth – plants, animals, soil, etc. I recollect and learn new practices that reaffirm the intrinsic value and self-possession of embodied and unembodied entities that collectively share the Earth.

I do this by talking to plants and trees, approaching them as the living selves they are, and listening to what they say. Thanking my food for making its way to me. Sitting in silence by water and acknowledging how often we treat water badly. Lying on the Earth and taking the time to really feel how the Earth holds me from my heels to the back of my head, inch by inch.

Appropriative violence empties all of spirithood or personhood, making all living things parts of a machine, a means to an end. Acknowledging that I am held and nurtured by the Earth puts a pause on that lie, and helps me to be present to what kind of interaction I want to have with all my Earth relations. This replenishes my stores of care and value that I then come to the rest of life with.

Building collective power

What does one do when they are stuck? Move. The violence that continues to (re)play out today in ever tenacious forms is a collective violence. As I seek ways to name what happened/happens, and to see, feel and move through it, there is work that must be collectively done to repair the harms inflicted on us. Movement and movements do that for me.

Moving my body and doing so with others through dance is a form of collective healing to unstick the stuck places in order to be well, and to be well with others. Dancing with presence has become a practice to shift and move things that I cannot do only with words.

I also work to build movements that can acknowledge and heal this collective violence so that we can start again from a different place. I combine working for justice with healing in my movement building, and understanding healing to also be justice work. I think this is necessary if we are to avoid the race to outdo each other in who is better at performing appropriative violence. It is a way of rewriting our origin story to begin elsewhere. An elsewhere that acknowledges our value – all of us, human, Earth and ancestral spirits.

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Reflections

An ADHD Diagnosis: ‘My Nights Were Characterized by Racing Ideas, and Days Filled with Failed Projects’

My mind had failed me so many times I could no longer trust the ideas it put forth, no matter how brilliant or mundane they were. The tipping point came after a violent altercation with my cousin, which landed her in hospital and me in the refurbished blue container recounting my life story, and eventually, finding a turning point.

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An ADHD Diagnosis: ‘My Nights Were Characterized by Racing Ideas, and Days Filled with Failed Projects’
Photo: Melanie Wasser on Unsplash
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The diagnosis came about seven months ago. I was sitting in the counselling room of the hospital, a refurbished 40-ft shipping container painted light blue. I remember being annoyed by the breaks in the painting caused by the vertical ridges on the walls, and sucked on piece after piece of hard candy to calm down.

After a series of routine questions to get my history, an analysis by the psychiatrist, and several written tests, the verdict was delivered to me. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. At first I was skeptical about the diagnosis. It was a strange case of déjà vu, one on which I’d sat in the same position across a psychiatrist two years ago and was given a host of diagnoses: I was told I had major depressive disorder, then affective disorder and then bipolar 1 disorder.

So I prodded the doctor, testing to find out if my symptoms covered a wide scope of diseases, or comorbidities, as the medical fraternity called them. To put my heart at ease, he showed me a TED Talk of a lady talking about her struggle with the condition, and the end of the video, I broke down and cried.

I’ll call the beginning of my visible symptoms as the crash. I’d excelled academically in primary and high school. I was a relentless high achiever, adapting the routine of school life which accommodated my bursts of energy and productivity. I graduated from high school with a good grade and joined university. But campus life came with the absence of a strict routine, and the unravelling at the seams of the thread of my life began.

I dropped out of my course after one semester and was kicked out of the halls of residence after failing to pay accommodation fees, due to procrastination. I resorted to clever methods to hide the absences in school from my parents. To cope, I drank and smoked a lot of weed. My nights were characterized by racing ideas, and days filled with failed projects because I couldn’t map them out; the brainstorm process ended up being crowded by other ideas and my mind couldn’t shut down. Then came the shame and low self-esteem. My mind had failed me so many times I could no longer trust the ideas it put forth, no matter how brilliant or mundane they were.

The first psychiatrist I visited was a referral from a general doctor. I’d arrived at the triage suicidal, struggling to breathe, and paranoid that I was being followed and watched. He prescribed some sleeping pills and handed me a sealed envelope addressed to a private psychiatrist clinic at the Doctor’s Plaza at Nairobi Hospital.

I didn’t feel bipolar – I was told bipolar disorder entailed massive mood swings, and this didn’t quite apply to me – but I accepted the diagnosis as it gave me a semblance of peace. At least I had a reason for my behaviour.

For two years, it cost nearly Ksh800 a day to pay for consultation and medication. Physically, the drugs left me feeling comatose on most days, and demoralised because I was still messy and erratic, but with a Ksh288,000 annual price tag to keep me stable. I sunk further into depression, culminating in a failed suicide attempt.

At the peak of my treatment, I was on a cocktail of seven different pills in the class of antipsychotics, antidepressants, and anti-anxiety medication. They gave me sleep jerks at night and vivid nightmares — eventually, I developed a dependency on the lulling effects of the anti-anxiety pills to help me sleep. The tipping point came after a violent altercation with my cousin, which landed her in hospital and me in the refurbished blue container recounting my life story, and eventually, finding a turning point.

The psycho-stimulants prescribed by the doctor were a relief. I could finally consistently complete my tasks and rein in errant thoughts, but the new ADHD diagnosis was exhausting. I imagined having to explain myself again to my friends about my condition over and over like I’d done for the past two years, and I was hardly prepared for the emotional or mental labour.

ADHD is a condition of limited self-regulation rather than a deficit of attention. A person with ADHD is able to concentrate for long periods of time in a state known as hyperfocus, that is when they are interested. ADHD exists on a spectrum and some people have it worse than others. We all have moments of ‘zoning out’ and procrastination, but for the ADHD individual, their symptoms fall on the extreme end of the scale and can be crippling.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that is responsible for a range of functions in the human body including emotional regulation, and motivation to guide your brain to accomplish specific tasks in order to get the desired reward. To use an analogy a psychologist gave – our brains are engines. Different parts initiate and receive tasks, others execute them and help manage one’s routine. Dopamine is the fuel between these areas, but ADHD brains have a deficit of dopamine. The result is that coordination is missing.

ADHD is a highly comorbid condition, meaning it exists with other mental conditions such as anxiety and depression. The emotional dysregulation and hyperfocus often leads to misdiagnosis as bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder or other affective disorders – like it happened in my case.

The DSM V – a diagnostic criteria by the American Psychiatric Association used to identify mental illnesses, leaves out a key factor of ADHD diagnosis – emotional dysregulation – from its list of symptoms, further increasing the likelihood of misdiagnosis.

While ADHD in children is extensively studied and treated, very little academic literature covers adult ADHD, and in particular ADHD in women, which is complicated by changing estrogen levels that affect the availability of dopamine in the brain at different points in the menstrual cycle. The link between estrogen and ADHD means that at different times of the month, the symptoms get worse and might require a recalibration of medication and more money to cover the cost of drugs.

By the time an adult is given an ADHD diagnosis, their lives are littered with failure because of trying to conform in a neurotypical world, with shame, guilt, broken relationships, and a calcified negative view of themselves as lazy, inconsistent, rude, violent, stupid…the list goes on and on.

As I discovered, conventional therapy is often expensive and limited to brief sessions with the psychiatrist and counselor once a month. Adults with ADHD need extensive help, an almost round the clock treatment in the form of non-judgemental accountability partners to help them form a routine, map out their life and follow through on decisions. In the case of an adult diagnosis, and given the individual demands of everyone else’s lives, such accommodations seem like ridiculous requests and one continues to live with their dysphoria.

ADHD and its treatment is very misunderstood. There are stereotypes such as “We are all a little ADD”, and there’s scepticism over whether or not it’s a real illness. Misleading media coverage about the alleged performance-enhancing abilities of the drugs used in treatment also hinder objective discourse about the reality of living with ADHD. The victims are the adults who continue to suffer, very often without knowing what their condition really is, at the workplace, in school or in their homes.

My life hasn’t completely changed, but it’s a lot better than it was. I have interacted with other adults who also live with ADHD and formed a small support group of sorts. I got back on track with my studies and graduated. Living with ADHD forced me to be extremely honest with myself about what I can and cannot do, who I can be and who I am not. There can be no illusions about my strengths, weaknesses and ability to commit to tasks, in order to avoid that vicious cycle of depression and anxiety.

As for the medication, it is not a panacea. I needed to be honest with myself about this too. It was easy to use the drugs as a crutch and avoid putting in place mechanisms to regulate my behaviour – and then blame mishaps on ‘being off the meds’.

What do I look forward to? More research. Particularly on ADHD and women and how environmental factors, socialisation and biology exaggerates or diminishes how the symptoms manifest. I keep a journal and note down observations on days where something strikes me as odd, and use that to inform my treatment. It’s the beginning of my own personal research, and I hope it can help someone else someday.

To conclude, ADHD is neither a gift nor a disability. We can have no illusions about that. It can make you prone to certain harmful behaviours and may give you some advantages over neurotypical brains, but the labels of gift or disability may prevent us from being objective about its management. But with a little more knowledge, and a lot more empathy, we can create a society where lives are not littered with failures that could have been avoided.

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